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AIRED ON
May 23, 1993
RUNTIME
45 minutes
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208
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2024-09-12 01:43:40
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Version 2
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SUMMARY
Stardate: 46925.1. Lwaxana Troi comes for a political visit and instead hounds Odo for romantic attention. Meanwhile, an alien probe wreaks havoc with the station's computer.
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REVIEWS
The Voice: ArmagHEADdon
Written by
Pike on 2018-03-10
★
★
★
★
★
SUMMARY
A standard funny loner episode. I give it 5 out of 10. Good.
TRANSCRIPT
Station Log, stardate 46925.1. We have been honoured with a visit by a delegation of Federation ambassadors on a fact-finding mission to the wormhole. Fortunately I have just the officer to take them off my hands.
[Quark's]
BASHIR: I only wish there was something I could do, Ambassador.
TAXCO: (alien red-head) Madam Ambassador.
BASHIR: Madam Ambassador. But all the guest quarters on the station are roughly the same size.
TAXCO: Then move me to the crew level.
BASHIR: All the quarters on the crew level are currently occupied.
TAXCO: Then someone can move. You, for example.
VADOSIA: (Bolian) She did the same thing during the voyage here. She's never satisfied.
TAXCO: At least I didn't bother the Captain every hour with some new suggestion on how to run his ship.
VADOSIA: He welcomed my suggestions, as I'm sure your Commander Sisko will welcome them. If we ever get to spend any time with him.
BASHIR: Commander Sisko is extremely busy.
VADOSIA: With what?
BASHIR: With the recalibration sweep.
LOJAL: (Vulcan) What are you recalibrating?
BASHIR: Everything. It's a sweeping recalibration of all systems.
LOJAL: I cannot speak for the others, but I would be fascinated to observe this recalibration, Doctor.
BASHIR: You would? After your long trip, I thought you might enjoy stopping by a holosuite?
TAXCO: Are you actually suggesting we indulge in one of those disgusting Ferengi sex programmes?
BASHIR: No. I, the holosuites are capable of many different
VADOSIA: Of course that was what he was suggesting. The Arbazan are so sexually repressed.
TAXCO: Why, this is outrageous.
BASHIR: Perhaps we should all just get some rest.
LOJAL: I did not come all this way to rest, Doctor. I would like to see your facility.
TAXCO: A first-year officer assigned as our liaison. Starfleet command will hear of this.
BASHIR: Ambassador. Madam Ambassador, I'm only
(A scream from the garishly dressed and be-wigged Betazoid at the dabo table)
LWAXANA: Oh! Where is it? It's gone! It's gone!
BASHIR: What's gone, Madam Ambassador?
LWAXANA: My latinum hairbrooch.
BASHIR: Quark!
LWAXANA: I had just made a third straight cross. I was leaning across the table to pick up the dice again, something brushed against me and my God, I've been wigged.
QUARK: What's the problem here?
BASHIR: Someone has stolen Ambassador Troi's latinum hairbrooch.
QUARK: I'm sorry, but as the sign says, the establishment is not responsible for the loss of any personal items.
LWAXANA: Sign? What sign?
QUARK: The one above the door.
BASHIR: You'd have to stand on a chair to read that.
QUARK: House rules. I'm very sorry. Have a nice day.
(Lwaxana grabs him by a lobe)
LWAXANA: You are dealing with a daughter of the Fifth House, Holder of the sacred Chalice of Rixx, Heir to the holy Rings of Betazed.
QUARK: Not my ear, please!
LWAXANA: Yes, and I know where it hurts the most, you little troll. Now, I want this room sealed and I want everyone in it strip-searched until you find my brooch.
ODO: May I be of service?
(Lwaxana lets Quark go)
BASHIR: Oh, thank goodness. Our Chief of Security, Odo.
ODO: What seems to be the problem?
LWAXANA: Well, my brooch has been stolen. It's been in my family for thirty six generations. It's absolutely priceless, and I want it back.
ODO: You're certain you were wearing it today.
LWAXANA: Yes, of course, I'm certain. I never use this hair without it.
ODO: I see. You're Betazoid?
LWAXANA: Of course.
ODO: Telepathic.
LWAXANA: Yes.
ODO: And you sense no guilt anywhere in this room?
LWAXANA: (closing her eyes for a quick scan) No, but Betazoids cannot read Ferengis.
ODO: Quark has plenty of reason to feel guilty, but he usually doesn't have to resort to petty theft to fleece his clients.
QUARK: Thank you.
(Odo looks around and spots a little alien in a corner, who tries to scuttle away. Odo stops him.)
ODO: Wait a minute. Empty your pockets now.
(He's been a busy little pick-pocket)
ODO: Well, since when did you join Starfleet?
LWAXANA: That's it. That's my brooch. But how did you know?
ODO: Dopterians are distant relatives of the Ferengi. It made sense that if you couldn't read Quark, you might not be able to read this charming fellow either.
LWAXANA: How perfectly brilliant of you.
(Odo leaves with the prisoner)
LWAXANA: Doctor, I want to know everything there is to know about your Security Chief.
[Ops]
O'BRIEN: Computer, is the diagnostic on the fusion power plant finished yet?
COMPUTER: Affirmative. The fusion power plant is operating within normal parameters.
O'BRIEN: What are you talking about? It's thirteen percent below normal.
COMPUTER: Cardassian specifications accept operating efficiency within twenty percent.
O'BRIEN: Well, I don't. Anara.
(A Bajoran woman comes over)
ANARA: Yes, sir.
O'BRIEN: How much do you know about the carbon reaction chambers?
ANARA: I've learned a little about laser-induced fusion. Not much more than the basics.
O'BRIEN: It's a bloody inefficient system, and I'd trade it in for a Federation model tomorrow if I could. But it's all we've got. Do me a favour. Keep an eye on the exhaust plasma temperature. Computer, increase deuterium flow by five percent to reaction chamber two.
COMPUTER: Procedure is not recommended.
O'BRIEN: Look, I've had enough of your opinions, damn it. Just do it.
COMPUTER: Procedure is not recommended. Consult Cardassian operational guidelines, paragraph two five four A, now on screen.
O'BRIEN: I don't want to read your tech manual. Fine, we'll do it ourselves. Re-initialising reactor two. Directing plasma stream to conduits one four three, one four four
ANARA: Chief O'Brien. The power flow from reactor two has just been shut down.
O'BRIEN: What? Computer, analyse reactor two failure.
COMPUTER: Reactor two was shut down after sensors detected a potential overload of the carbon reaction chambers.
O'BRIEN: That's it. That's the straw.
SISKO: Relax, Chief. It's just a computer.
O'BRIEN: This is no computer. This is my arch enemy.
SISKO: You've got it working just fine, as far as I can tell.
O'BRIEN: Fine? With all due respect, Commander, as an engineer, I couldn't look at myself in the mirror if I allowed this computer to perform as it is now. I'll have to do a root canal.
SISKO: Root canal?
O'BRIEN: It's engineering shorthand, sir. I'll have to get into its guts and rebuild her from the ground up.
SISKO: How long will that take?
O'BRIEN: Well, I'm still not that familiar with Cardassian technology but I'd guess no more than two, three years.
SISKO: That's going to take a lot of man-hours. Is it really necessary?
O'BRIEN: You don't understand.
SISKO: Let's just say I don't have your sensitivity to the computer.
O'BRIEN: That's all right. Forget about it.
SISKO: Chief.
O'BRIEN: It's all right. It doesn't matter.
SISKO: Chief, I want you to do what you have to do.
O'BRIEN: Thank you, sir. I'll get on it right away.
(The turbolift has arrived)
BASHIR: And this is Ops.
VADOSIA: The heart and soul of Deep Space Nine. Ah, there you are, Commander.
SISKO: Gentlemen. Madam Ambassador.
BASHIR: They insisted on seeing Operations, sir.
SISKO: Of course. Make yourself at home. I trust that Doctor Bashir has been taking care of all your needs.
TAXCO: He refuses to change my accommodations.
SISKO: Accommodations?
TAXCO: If I have to sleep another night on a Cardassian bed with gargoyles staring at me from the woodpoles
KIRA: Commander, unidentified vessel coming through the wormhole.
SISKO: On screen. Excuse me.
BASHIR: You'll get a better view from over here.
(WHOOSH on the viewscreen)
BASHIR: Quite a sight, isn't it?
VADOSIA: That's it? That's the whole thing?
BASHIR: Well, yes, it is.
VADOSIA: I was expecting more somehow.
DAX: Scanners aren't picking up any lifeforms on board.
SISKO: A probe?
DAX: Might be. I'm reading an extensive computer array but no signals to suggest it's trying to maintain contact with the mother ship.
SISKO: Are the computers compatible with ours?
DAX: It's hard to tell. I don't recognise any known subprocessor patterns.
LOJAL: Obviously the young woman doesn't have the necessary experience. Perhaps I
BASHIR: The young woman over there has over three hundred years experience, Ambassador.
DAX: I might have better luck if we towed it into the docking ring.
SISKO: No. Not until we know a little more about it. Major, tow it to five hundred metres off the docking ring.
KIRA: Yes, sir.
SISKO: Mister O'Brien, try to set up an adaptive interface link and see if we can download any information from it.
O'BRIEN: Aye, sir.
BASHIR: I think it will be best if we clear this area.
VADOSIA: But this probe may represent contact with a new species. Commander, I think it would be appropriate for at least one Federation Ambassador to be present at this historic occasion, and since I have a particular interest in first contact procedures
SISKO: I appreciate your interest, Ambassador. And to keep you all informed, I'm scheduling a briefing at oh four hundred. In the meantime, Doctor Bashir, the best place to view this probe is from the docking ring near port seven.
BASHIR: I'll show them the way.
[Security office]
(Odo is working as Lwaxana - in fresh clothes and wig - watches from the doorway)
LWAXANA: Such concentration. Such intensity, such a passion for your work. Tracking intergalactic malefactors.
ODO: Most people find it rather tedious.
LWAXANA: Tedious? No, those of us who have been beneficiaries of your heroism would never call your work tedious. We've learned that on this station, you are the thin beige line between order and chaos.
ODO: That's my job. Now, what can I do for you? You haven't lost anything else, I hope.
LWAXANA: Only my heart.
ODO: I beg your pardon?
(She gets up close and personal)
LWAXANA: Is Odo your first or last name?
ODO: Yes.
LWAXANA: Ah, then I can just call you?
ODO: Odo.
LWAXANA: It has a certain lyrical quality.
ODO: Lyrical?
LWAXANA: Odo. It rolls off the tongue.
ODO: I have a lot of work to do.
LWAXANA: I'm understand you're a shape-shifter.
ODO: That's correct.
LWAXANA: I've never been with a shape-shifter.
ODO: Been with?
LWAXANA: I've heard you're the only one of your kind.
ODO: So far.
LWAXANA: All the men I've known have needed to be shaped and molded and manipulated. Finally I've met a man who knows how to do it himself.
(She's backed him up against a console and is leaning in for a kiss as Odo leans back)
ODO: Is that the comm.? I think it is. Excuse me, I've got to get to Ops.
[Ops]
COMPUTER: Initiating high-resolution scan. Memory nodes located. Proceeding with data transfer.
O'BRIEN: Yeah, there you go. Who would have thought?
DAX: You seem surprised, Chief.
O'BRIEN: Well, knowing this computer, I thought I would have to reconfigure the whole emulator module to make it compatible with the probe, but it's cooperating for once.
COMPUTER: Transfer of data is complete.
O'BRIEN: Well done, computer.
DAX: Computer, run standard code translations on probe data. Isolate syntax results.
COMPUTER: Processing. Stand by.
[Commander's office]
(Doorbell.)
SISKO: Come in. Yes, Odo.
ODO: Commander, I have a problem.
SISKO: Quark again?
ODO: No, sir, this one's named Lwaxana.
SISKO: Lwaxana Troi the Ambassador?
ODO: That's her. There was a minor incident at the bar that I helped her with, and now she's grateful.
SISKO: What's the problem?
ODO: The manner in which she expresses her gratitude. To be honest, Commander, she seems interested in me.
SISKO: What's wrong with that?
ODO: She's extremely aggressive.
SISKO: I see. So, she's after you.
ODO: Like a Wanoni tracehound.
SISKO: Have you thought of letting her catch you?
ODO: Sir?
SISKO: A little romance, Odo.
ODO: I have six pylons that need a complete security sweep. I don't have time for romantic interludes. Frankly, in my humble opinion, most of you humanoids spend far too much time on your respective mating rituals.
SISKO: It does help the procreation of one's species.
ODO: Procreation does not require changing how you smell, or writing bad poetry, or sacrificing various plants to serve as tokens of affection. In any event, it's all irrelevant to me.
SISKO: I'm sorry to hear that.
ODO: I would appreciate it if you would do something about this woman.
SISKO: Me?
ODO: Just tell her to leave me alone.
SISKO: Constable, you can handle thieves and killers but not one Betazoid woman?
ODO: I understand thieves and killers. I don't understand her.
SISKO: I can't help you, Odo.
ODO: I'm just trying to avoid a diplomatic incident. I don't want to insult the Ambassador.
SISKO: A reasonable concern. I suggest you handle the matter with great delicacy.
ODO: I don't handle delicacy very well.
[Ops]
ANARA: The probe appears to be made out of some sort of corundium alloy.
COMPUTER: Analysis of all subprocessor modules is complete.
O'BRIEN: Already? On screen. Lieutenant?
DAX: No science modules, no communications system, and enough computer capacity to run a Galaxy class starship. It's very odd.
O'BRIEN: That's an awful lot of computer hardware to simply navigate a probe.
KIRA: Anything?
DAX: Nothing to suggest the probe's mission or any hint of its origin.
[Promenade]
(Odo checks the coast is clear before stepping off the turbolift, but still gets caught.)
LWAXANA: Ah, there you are, Odo.
(Odo tries to get back on the turbolift but it's already left)
LWAXANA: Have you ever been on the fourth moon of Andevian Two at dawn?
ODO: Can't say I have.
LWAXANA: I have the most wonderful holo-programme and I've reserved a suite for us with that Quark person.
ODO: You told Quark you were going into a holosuite with me?
LWAXANA: Of course. He's preparing a special picnic basket for us.
ODO: Good lord.
(The turbolift returns)
ODO: I'm afraid I'm not available. I have to get to upper pylon three immediately.
(Lwaxana gets in the turbolift with him)
ODO: Madame Ambassador.
LWAXANA: Lwaxana. Upper pylon three. I've always wanted to see an upper pylon.
[Turbolift]
LWAXANA: I know. I'll have Quark send one of his minions with our basket. We'll have our picnic up there.
ODO: Madame Ambassador.
LWAXANA: Lwaxana.
ODO: I don't eat. This is not a real mouth, it is an approximation of one. I do not have an esophagus or a stomach or a digestive system. I am not like you. Every sixteen hours, I turn into a liquid.
LWAXANA: I can swim.
(Then the lights go out and the turbolift stops)
ODO: Computer? Computer. Odo to Ops.
[Ops]
KIRA: Go ahead, Odo.
ODO [OC]: Ambassador Troi and I are stuck in turbolift seven. What's going on?
ANARA: Power to the pylon turbolifts has failed.
KIRA: We're reading a turbolift failure, Odo. We'll beam you out.
DAX: Locking on. Prepare to transport.
ODO [OC]: Ready.
DAX: Energising.
[Turbolift]
ODO: Well?
KIRA [OC]: Looks like the transporter's down too. But don't worry, Constable, we'll get it repaired right away.
[Ops]
DAX: Dax to Chief O'Brien, please report to Ops immediately.
KIRA: Be patient, Odo.
[Turbolift]
KIRA [OC]: We'll get you out of there as soon as we can.
LWAXANA: Alone at last.
[Ops]
COMPUTER: Electromotive coil functions normal. Load detection functions normal. Diagnostic complete.
O'BRIEN: I don't get it. Every component of the turbolift power net seems to be operational.
DAX: We can't find anything wrong with the transporter.
KIRA: Great. Everything's in working order except nothing's working.
SISKO: How do we get our people out of the turbolift, Chief?
O'BRIEN: If we were on a starship, I'd reroute the EPS power flow in a couple of hours but with this computer, there's no telling how long it'll take.
SISKO: Get it started.
KIRA: Kira to Odo.
ODO [OC]: Yes, Major.
KIRA: I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stay put for a while longer.
ODO [OC]: Define a while.
KIRA: I wish I knew.
[Turbolift]
KIRA [OC]: By the way, Cardassian turbolifts run exposed multi-phase alternating currents through their positioning mechanisms, so don't try to shape-shift your way out.
ODO: I wouldn't think of it.
LWAXANA: Besides, it wouldn't be polite.
KIRA [OC]: I didn't hear that.
ODO: It wouldn't be polite.
KIRA [OC]: Understood. Kira out.
LWAXANA: Do you suppose that we're actually in any danger?
ODO: Not if we remain calm.
LWAXANA: Well then, we might as well enjoy ourselves. Take the opportunity to get to know one another.
ODO: I'd really prefer to pass the time quietly.
LWAXANA: Quietly.
ODO: Quietly.
LWAXANA: Of course.
ODO: Thank you.
LWAXANA: The quiet man.
ODO: Hmmm.
LWAXANA: You know, I've always been attracted to quiet men. Odd, isn't it? But maybe there's more truth than we realise to that old axiom that opposites
(Odo gives her a Look)
LWAXANA: Quietly.
(She sits down)
LWAXANA: Odo.
ODO: Yes?
LWAXANA: I don't think I can.
ODO: Can what?
LWAXANA: Well, you don't have to say another word as long as we're here, but I think I really need to talk.
ODO: I understand. (sits with her) There's nothing to be afraid of.
LWAXANA: Of course not. No, things could be much worse.
ODO: Really?
LWAXANA: My daughter and I were once trapped aboard a Ferengi cargo ship and it was dreadful. Well, all right, it wasn't actually dreadful, it was mildly lamentable. And it was all because of that loathsome Daimon. Well, actually he wasn't altogether loathsome. He was just slightly repulsive. But he did have a certain charm, in an insufferable sort of way. Of course he was totally at the mercy of his uncontrollable passion for me, which means he wasn't all bad now, doesn't it? You know, it wasn't all passion. There was some negligible commercial interest involved, but oh, the passion, that was perfectly real, and kind of sweet, in a way. He was so helpless. At first it was totally a question of expediency when I made love with him. what are you looking at?
ODO: Hmm? Oh nothing. I was just wondering how many volts are in that exposed circuit. Go on, go on.
LWAXANA: Well, frankly, by the time one thing led to another
[Commander's office]
SISKO: Think of it as an opportunity, Doctor. You never know when a friendly ambassador is going to be in the right place at the right time to help your career.
BASHIR: Another hour with them could destroy my career.
SISKO: It's a simple job. Just keep them happy and away from me.
BASHIR: Simple? Nothing makes them happy. They are dedicated to being unhappy and to spreading that unhappiness wherever they go. They are the Ambassadors of Unhappy.
SISKO: All of us have had these assignments, Doctor.
BASHIR: Have you, sir?
SISKO: As a matter of fact, Curzon Dax used to take perverse pleasure in assigning me to take care of VIP guests.
BASHIR: Ah. So now you take the same perverse pleasure in doing it to me.
SISKO: Exactly.
BASHIR: May I ask, sir, when you graduated from this sort of assignment?
SISKO: The day I hit one of the guests.
BASHIR: Hit one.
SISKO: It was a simple misunderstanding over his attempt to coax a young Ensign to his quarters against her will. But
[Ops]
SISKO: Don't hit one of them, Doctor. I'm not nearly as understanding as Curzon was.
BASHIR: Yes, sir.
(Bashir leaves)
O'BRIEN: Commander, can I talk to you? It's about the computer, sir.
SISKO: Still giving you problems?
O'BRIEN: No, sir, that's just the thing. It's not. It rerouted the EPS power flow in less than an hour.
SISKO: That's good news. How soon can we get Odo and the Ambassador out?
O'BRIEN: We can't. It didn't activate the Turbolift circuits. Don't ask me why.
SISKO: You must have some idea what's wrong.
O'BRIEN: I want you to listen to something. Computer, analyze Ops O2 sensor readings.
COMPUTER: All sensors read between fourteen point three and fourteen point four KSC.
O'BRIEN: Computer, restart all shield generator subsystems.
COMPUTER: Shield generator subsystems set to active status. Reading ninety eight point three percent efficiency.
O'BRIEN: Do you hear it?
SISKO: Hear what?
O'BRIEN: The voice. It's not the same attitude.
SISKO: It sounds like the computer.
O'BRIEN: Sir, when you work with a computer as much as I do, you get to know it. They're all very different. Working with the Enterprise computer was like dancing a waltz. With this computer, it's always been like a wrestling match, till we started downloading the probe.
SISKO: You think some kind of programme from the probe is influencing our computer?
O'BRIEN: Well, it's got to be more than just a programme, sir. The computer's whole personality has changed. It's not resisting any commands, offering any opinions, giving any arguments. And there's this one other crazy thing I'm almost afraid to mention,
SISKO: What's that?
O'BRIEN: Every time I leave, something happens to bring me back.
SISKO: Bring you back?
O'BRIEN: To the computer. Like the failures to the turbolifts and the transporters. A few minutes ago, I was working at the transporter pad and the comm. lines went down. And when I broke for a quick bite to eat, we had a replicator failure. It's almost like the computer doesn't want me to leave it alone.
SISKO: You almost make it sound like a child.
Station log, supplemental. Odo and Ambassador Troi remain trapped in turbolift four. As of yet, we have been unable to ascertain what it is that's causing the station's computer to malfunction.
(Note - previously it was turbolift seven. )
[Ops]
(Later, a conference has been called)
DAX: What if it's some kind of non-biological lifeform we've never seen before?
KIRA: Non-biological?
DAX: Well, it all comes down to how we define lifeform, but just as biological organisms have evolved in our cultures, mechanical life could have done the same in others.
KIRA: You're suggesting someone left a baby on our doorstep?
DAX: Possibly.
SISKO: Do you think we can communicate with it?
O'BRIEN: In a way, we already have. I mean, it's part and parcel of our computer now.
DAX: But as far as direct communication is concerned, it may not be capable of that. We haven't seen any evidence that this entity is sentient.
KIRA: It may be more like a stray puppy that's attached itself to you, Chief.
SISKO: Whatever it is, it's slowly disabling our station. People, we've got to get it out of there.
O'BRIEN: It came here when we downloaded the probe's files. If we upload those same files back to the probe, it might go with them.
DAX: What if it's fully integrated itself into our computer?
O'BRIEN: I don't think it has. That would make it more like a virus, but I don't see any evidence that it's trying to overwrite our control networks or destroy our systems. I think it's more likely that it simply creates connections with areas of the computer that are active.
DAX: Almost as though it feeds off the energy of the computer functions.
O'BRIEN: If I'm right, transferring all of its programming off the station just might solve our problems.
SISKO: How long since we had any communication from Odo?
KIRA: Comm. lines have been down over ninety minutes. He's been in there almost four hours now.
SISKO: Do you happen to know the schedule of his regenerative cycle?
KIRA: My god, I have no idea, but if he doesn't get back to his pail in time
(And later still)
COMPUTER: Subspace emitter aligned. Outgoing data stream activated.
O'BRIEN: Computer, upload all probe command sequences back to probe's computers.
COMPUTER: Stand by. Unable to complete requested function. Please abort and retry.
O'BRIEN: Reset subspace emitter. Reinitialise data stream.
COMPUTER: Receptors open control. Relays activated.
O'BRIEN: Upload all probe command sequences back to probe's computers.
COMPUTER: Stand by.
(And the power goes out)
O'BRIEN: It's not as easy as I thought it would be, Commander.
[Promenade]
TAXCO: Is it just the lights or the heat too? I didn't bring any warm clothes.
BASHIR: I'm sure it's just temporary.
LOJAL: I've been reading the reports of your Chief of Operations, Doctor. They gave me the impression that he was a competent engineer.
BASHIR: Chief O'Brien? One of the best in Starfleet.
LOJAL: Then why aren't the backup systems functioning?
BASHIR: Well, you know, out here on the edge of the frontier, it's one adventure after another. Why don't I escort you back to your quarters where I'm sure we can all wait this out.
[Turbolift]
LWAXANA: Well, enough about me.
ODO: (looking a bit shiny) Hmmm?
LWAXANA: Enough about me. Tell me about yourself.
ODO: I'm really a private man.
LWAXANA: Yes, of course you are. Is that hair real?
ODO: It is real in that it is me. It is not real hair.
LWAXANA: How did you do it? Your hair.
ODO: It took a great deal of practice.
LWAXANA: You studied hairstyles?
ODO: If you must know, I imitated the hairstyle of the Bajoran man who was assigned to me.
LWAXANA: Assigned?
ODO: To study me at the research centre. He was a scientist.
LWAXANA: You mean that's how you grew up, in a laboratory?
ODO: I did not grow up as you think of it. It was merely a transition from what I used to be to what I learned to become.
LWAXANA: Sounds very lonely to me.
ODO: I was always very self-sufficient.
LWAXANA: I'm sure you had to be, to survive, being so different from everyone else.
ODO: Odo to Ops. Odo to Ops! Comm. lines are still down. I don't know what's taking so long.
LWAXANA: Are you sure you're all right? You look warm.
ODO: It's nothing. I'm fine.
LWAXANA: I can't imagine how it must have been. If it bothers you to talk about this?
ODO: Not at all. What was it like? I guess you could say I was the life of the party.
LWAXANA: I don't think I understand.
ODO: My way of trying to fit in. I found I could be entertaining. Odo, be a chair. I'm a chair. Odo, be a razorcat. I'm a razorcat. Life of the party. I hate parties.
LWAXANA: Perhaps you've been going to the wrong ones. Come to one of mine, Odo. I'll make sure that all the guests are there to entertain you. (Odo groans) No, you're not well.
ODO: No, it's fine. It's just, I told you I turn into a liquid every sixteen hours? Well, I'm in hour fifteen.
[Ops]
O'BRIEN: Ready, Commander
SISKO: How long do you expect it to take?
O'BRIEN: If it works, we ought to be able to get all of the probe's files manually transferred to the six isolinear rods in less than sixty seconds.
SISKO: Let's do it.
O'BRIEN: Computer, run a level one diagnostic of all power systems on board.
COMPUTER: Requested function will require forty three minutes. Stand by.
(Anara puts the rods into a console)
SISKO: Computer, give me an analysis of all Cardassian traffic along the border.
COMPUTER: Processing long range sensors, stand by.
DAX: Computer, create an historical data base for all known wormhole activity.
COMPUTER: (slowing down) Indicate time parameters.
DAX: All known occurrences.
COMPUTER: Requested function will require subspace link-up with Federation computers.
DAX: In that case, create a subspace link with Nehru colony, New France colony and Corado One transmitter array.
COMPUTER: Attempting link-up, stand by.
ANARA: Computer, access musical files in the Bajor master data banks and create a concert programme of Bajoran serenas.
COMPUTER: Stand by. Unable to. Stand
(Sparks fly)
DAX: I'm reading a huge plasma surge in the habitat ring.
[Corridor]
VADOSIA: You tell Commander Sisko that I expect that probe briefing to be held on schedule, lights or no lights.
BASHIR: I will surely pass that on, Ambassador.
(BOOM and a fireball heads their way)
[Ops]
KIRA: We've got a plasma explosion in corridor H-12-A. Guest quarters.
O'BRIEN: The computer's not responding. None of the fire suppression systems are coming online.
DAX: I'm reading four lifeforms in that corridor.
SISKO: Major, you're with me. Chief, send get an emergency crew down there. We'll need manual fire gear.
O'BRIEN: Aye, sir.
[Corridor]
(The fire is coming, and the door behind them won't open, either electronically or manually)
(After adverts, on the other side of the bulkhead)
SISKO: Phasers at maximum.
KIRA: Toranium inlay. Cardassian design. I should have guessed. We're going to need a bipolar torch to get through it.
SISKO: Then get a message to Ops. Tell them it's going to take us a while to get inside. If they can't get the fire suppression systems online we're going to lose our people in there.
CREWMAN: Aye, sir.
[Ops]
O'BRIEN: It's not paying any attention to me.
DAX: I guess it just doesn't want to leave, like a scared puppy.
O'BRIEN: We have no idea how long that probe was tumbling through space, maybe years with that lifeform alone on board. It's sort of like shutting up a puppy up in a room, you know? I had a pup once. If I had to lock him up, he'd scratch forever at the door, trying to get out.
DAX: I'm not sure I know what you're getting at.
O'BRIEN: Pups don't like to be left alone. They like attention.
DAX: This one's certainly getting a lot of it.
O'BRIEN: That's right, so it's no wonder it doesn't want to leave.
DAX: Okay, but how does that help us?
O'BRIEN: Everything we've seen suggests that this entity likes to be where the action is. It seems to feed off the energy of an active computer. We've been trying to separate it from what it thrives on. We've got to do the exact opposite.
DAX: The exact opposite?
O'BRIEN: Lieutenant, I've got to build a doghouse.
[Turbolift]
ODO: (the back of his neck is very wet) Odo to Ops. Odo out.
LWAXANA: Odo, turn around.
ODO: I can't. It's beginning.
LWAXANA: It's all right.
ODO: You don't understand. No one has ever seen me like this before.
LWAXANA: Not even the scientist who was assigned to you?
ODO: That was different. It was only research to him.
LWAXANA: You don't have to be ashamed with me.
ODO: I'm not ashamed. It's a private matter, that's all.
LWAXANA: How can I make it easier for you?
ODO: You can't. I'm fine.
(Lwaxana holds out her wig)
ODO: What's that?
LWAXANA: My hair. (Odo turns round) Nobody's ever seen me like this.
ODO: Why? It looks fine.
LWAXANA: It looks ordinary. I've never cared to be ordinary. So you see, Odo, even us non-shape-shifters have to change who we are once in a while.
ODO: You are not at all what I expected.
LWAXANA: No one's ever paid me a greater compliment.
ODO: I cannot hold my shape any longer.
LWAXANA: Let go. I'll take care of you.
(And he falls into her skirt, held out to catch him)
[Corridor]
KIRA: We're going to need portable oxygen and get anything Bashir has in stock to treat plasma burns. Have a runabout ready to evacuate these people to Bajor if we need to.
CREWMAN: Yes, sir.
[Ops]
O'BRIEN: Anara?
ANARA: The subprogramme is ready, Chief.
O'BRIEN: Computer, analyse subprogram labelled Pup.
COMPUTER: Requested subprogram is a series of bi-directional data transfer and monitoring commands.
O'BRIEN: Re-route all main computer backup functions through this subprogramme.
COMPUTER: All backup functions re-routed.
O'BRIEN: Great. Okay, Computer, now, listen carefully, I want to transfer all probe command sequences out of core memory and into the subprogram Pup.
COMPUTER: Stand by. Transfer complete.
(The lights come on)
[Corridor]
DAX [OC]: Dax to Sisko. Fire suppression is responding. All systems are back online. Can you get in?
(Sisko uses the manual door open)
SISKO: We're in, Dax. Stand by.
(A charred and blackened wreck of a corridor)
KIRA: We'd better advise Starfleet Command.
(A hatch cover tumbles off the wall and Bashir crawls out.)
(SISKO: Are you all right?
BASHIR: Here, take my hand, Madam Ambassador. Watch your head.
TAXCO: Please, Julian. Call me Taxco.
SISKO: Ambassador, are you all right?
VADOSIA: Yes, thanks to Julian.
LOJAL: The doctor was remarkably calm and logical for a man of his years under such severe conditions.
VADOSIA: We'll be putting him in for a commendation.
(The Ambassadors leave)
SISKO: Nice work, Doctor Bashir.
BASHIR: Just in the right place at the right time, sir.
[Promenade]
(The turbolift arrives. Odo exits looking fresh, and Lwaxana has her wig back on)
LWAXANA: Well, it's about time.
ODO: I know that wasn't exactly what you had in mind for your picnic.
LWAXANA: When it comes to picnics, the only thing that really matters is the company.
ODO: Your sensitivity and discretion are appreciated.
LWAXANA: Next time you see me, I'll give you a lot more to appreciate.
[Ops]
SISKO: How did you beat that thing in the computer, Chief?
O'BRIEN: I didn't.
DAX: He adopted it.
SISKO: Adopted it?
O'BRIEN: I was able to get our friend out of the main command pathways and into a subprogramme.
SISKO: You're suggesting we leave it in there?
O'BRIEN: I don't see why not. It's happy. It's not bothering us any more. It seems the humane thing to do.
DAX: It's just another new lifeform visiting the station.
O'BRIEN: I'll take care of it, make sure it gets enough attention and all.
SISKO: Keep it off the furniture.
O'BRIEN: Yes, sir.
2024-09-12 01:43:40 -
Pike:
Added the transcript.
